“Fix Me:” What If We’re Doing It Backwards?

“Stop trying to ‘fix’ yourself; you’re NOT broken! You are perfectly imperfect and powerful beyond measure.”

When life doesn’t unfold the way we want it to, or when things don’t go as planned, what do we do?

I’ll let you in on a little secret (that we maybe all already know, but refuse to admit)…we start trying to control our external in hopes that our internal – the pain, the heartbreak, the loneliness, the insecurity – will heal. We swipe mindlessly on dating apps with the end goal of meeting someone who will make us feel “better.” We crave the “dream job” that will bring meaning and purpose and fulfilling relationships and room for creativity and growth to our lives, but also work-life balance and reasonable hours and not too much responsibility…get where I’m going here?

We try and control that which ultimately isn’t in our control or we try to make perfect that which is not designed to, nor ever will be perfect. And, get this. When things inevitably don’t go as planned, we internalize the defeat because we’ve attached our value to an outcome unrelated to who we are or what we’re worth…yet our worthiness suffers for it.

We are a “fix it” society. I think one of the easiest ways we see this manifest is in how our generation defines self-care. We talk about how important it is to keep our bucket full so we have enough to give to others. Yet, by the time we’re practicing self-care…going for a run, let’s say…we’re already stressed or burnt out.

A professor of mine once offered a counter-culture perspective on self-care that had me completely re-thinking how we’re doing life itself. He explained, “This is how we do self-care these days…I’m doing it to decrease my anxiety, to fix what’s already been infiltrated by fear, doubt, worry, stress, feelings of inadequacy, shame, guilt, and the like. It’s like putting a bandaid on the problem…it serves a function, but it doesn’t solve the issue at hand. We keep teaching quick fixes because, in our culture, that’s exactly what we want. We’re bad at feeling sad, lonely, angry, disappointed, and upset. We want bad feelings to go away and will latch onto anything we’re sold will make us feel happier, quicker. But I don’t believe that’s how it works. In order to maintain our compassion, stay present, attract love, prevent overwhelming stress, and protect our spirit from burning out… we need to be more virtuous in our everyday, ordinary lives…to build up our internal resources of love, patience, honesty, kindness, and compassion day-in and day-out. We need to be better listeners every moment we get the chance. We need to live in the moment as often as we can. We need to practice, not just preach, these things. This is the deepest and most life-giving form of self-care we can practice.” Let that sink in.

The reality is, more often than not we can’t control the external…that’s just a fact. And while engaging in practices that make us feel good and whole are helpful (I’m not saying yoga, or meditation, or exercise, or putting ourselves out there more, or long talks with good people are bad…they are essential), there is something here that we’ve been missing all along, because it’s less tangible and because it doesn’t offer a quick, or easy solution. Peace works from the inside-out. Nothing external will make us feel better if we aren’t working to be better people for the sake of being better people and not for the sake of getting what we think we want.

And, here’s the ringer…transformation happens when we choose to do this work in the midst of the hardest moment in our lives. It’s easy to be grateful, or kind, when our circumstances are just right…when things are going our way. It’s terribly difficult to do so when we feel like things are going wrong. When we are lonely, it’s hard to feel happy for our friends that are in relationships. When we feel unloved, we don’t want to embrace our imperfections or practice self-acceptance. When someone is cruel to us, we don’t want to forgive or be compassionate. When we’re terrified of what the future has in store for us, trusting is the last thing we want to do. Yet, it is in these moments we become exponentially more virtuous. When we make hard decisions in the face of what’s broken, we become better…stronger from the inside-out. It’s not about controlling our circumstance. It’s about finding our peace within, so that no matter our circumstance we feel free in the midst of it all.

Not sure where to start? Try answering these questions for yourself…

1. Are you trying to control things that are outside of your control?

2. Do you find yourself wanting or trying to “fix” what you feel is incomplete or broken in your life?

3. How often do you practice self-acceptance, patience, trust, or forgiveness in the midst of difficult times?

Then, take a quiet moment for yourself to reflect on this….

What would your life look like if you felt at peace in the midst of your circumstances? Would “fixing” your situation matter anymore?

I bet you already know the answer- it wouldn’t. So let’s encourage each other to stop doing it backwards. Let’s quit being afraid of a messy life. And let’s not shy away from pain.

Lean in. Embrace life even when it’s hard and watch the magic that happens when we start working and living from the inside, out.